<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>What we call life by HoshisamaValmor (HannibalCatharsis)</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27391090">What we call life</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalCatharsis/pseuds/HoshisamaValmor'>HoshisamaValmor (HannibalCatharsis)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Discussions of Suicide, Friendship, Pre-Canon, attempt at least, can be read as one sided romance if you squint like really hard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:49:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,547</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27391090</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannibalCatharsis/pseuds/HoshisamaValmor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Othello finds a book and brings it up to 136649 for discussion. (tumblr prompt by Nohrianxscum) Trigger warning: This deals with the topic of suicide, please be wary of it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What we call life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkivist/gifts">TheDarkivist</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This prompt came from a list of non-sexual acts of intimacy on tumblr (reading a book together) and was sent to me well over one year ago. Considering the list I just mentioned, the romantic undertone should be present, but it's not unless you squint like really hard for an one-sided thing.</p><p>This takes place somewhere over 70 years go, so Undertaker is in his full 136649 persona (or how I picture it), meaning, far from being how we know him in canon.</p><p>The title and the speech that is featured in this (parts of it only) comes from one of Alan Watts' speeches, which I found out in the song 'Belonging to Nothing' by Wraithe. I will link to the original speech and the song at the end.</p><p><strong>Trigger Warning: </strong> This fic deals with the topic of suicide, by two shinigamis, one of which enjoys his condition. Please be mindful and wary of this and consider whether or not you should read it.</p><p>Disclaimer: Don't own Kuroshitsuji.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Othello was holding the forbidden book in his hands like an overly excited child showing off his brand new toy to his best friend. Only he wasn't a child, he was certainly not showing it to his best friend, and being a Grim Reaper for so long had its effect in faltering the most overblown of excitements, specially when the audience was as receptive as a doornail. Othello might have enough energy and enthusiasm for the both of them, but still, a glimpse of responsiveness would be appreciated.</p><p>"So?" he tried again, trying to dig out some form of acknowledgement. "What do you think? Isn't it really interesting? The stuff written in here is from people <em>waaay</em> beyond our lifetime, and they still discuss about the same subjects as we had back then, have the same struggles as we did, but have more platforms to discuss it! Have you read it?"</p><p>"You stole it." First real reply; not the best, but it was a good start.</p><p>Othello didn't cower nearly as much as he bloated his chest in pride.</p><p>"I didn't steal it. I misplaced it temporarily."</p><p>His coworker was not impressed.</p><p>"Those books are kept locked for a reason."</p><p>"Of course they are. Because they are to be read, like any other book."</p><p>"Highly debatable."</p><p>"So you <em>have</em> read it?" Othello asked laconically. His monologue had turned into a dialogue! Look at the progress of that.</p><p>Or maybe he was too optimistic and too soon; turning into a true killjoy, 136649-nah, too long / Silver Fox burst his bubble of happy achievement by carrying on his way down the hallway. Othello gaped momentarely and then quickly caught up to him.</p><p>"Weell~? Does that mean you have? You have, haven't you?"</p><p>No response, just walking.</p><p>"Okay, then if you <em>haven't</em> read it, listen to just this piece, please."</p><p>"I don't want to."</p><p>"Why not? It's fascinating, and I think you'd really appreciate it."</p><p>"I didn't ask you for anything."</p><p>"But I know you are as interested in this as I am! You're too intelligent, you're too wise, you're... I mean, look for how long you've been doing this soul reaping business! You're <em>wise."</em></p><p>"If you're gauging my intelligence and wisdom based on the years I've been a Grim Reaper, you yourself should be proportionally gifted with both, Othello. And what you have done with all that intelligence and wisdom is steal a book you know you're not allowed to even look at, and then act like a spoiled toddler waving it about and demanding attention."</p><p>Wow. Ouch.</p><p>Admittedly, Othello took a second to recover from that one, even slowing down his step. But he recovered, with renewed resolve.</p><p>"See? That's precisely why I know you're interesting. There's something there."</p><p>"You don't know me."</p><p>"But I can see you! I can see how wise and experienced - and sullen and grim and bloody depressive - you are. I am a seeker of knowledge, Silver Fox (he arched an eyebrow slightly), and I want you to share your opinions with me!"</p><p>Othello flipped open the book, knowing the page number already and the paragraph to look for.</p><p>"<em> 'The fundamentally important philosophical question is whether or not to commit suicide.' "</em> he resumed where he had left off before. Silver Fox actually stopped walking then, sighing not to covertly, but Othello was just happy to get his full attention. "<em> 'But this is the real question: is the game worth the candle? If you think no, then you better commit suicide. That's the logical thing to do. If on the other hand you're not sure, then you better make up your mind.' </em>This is actually a very motivational speech, I think, on how to go about in life, and how you should- here, let me:<em>" </em>'<em>It's like doing something evil, like telling a lie. If you're going to tell a lie at all, you have to make it stick, and so, make it good. Don't wobble when you lie, because someone will find you out, and it'll all fall apart, and it'll be worse than if you never did it.'</em> "</p><p>Silver Fox was quiet, and Othello hooked himself on that as encouragement rather than the disinterest it was closer to be.</p><p>" <em>'What we call life is, fundamentally, willingness to die.' </em>" he knew the whole speech by now, specially that closing part. "Well, definitely ironic considering our situation, but I do get his point. Maybe I should've tried to live a bit more back when I was alive, huh. Anyway. What do you think? Do you agree? Do you- hey! Silver Fox!"</p><p>He just kept walking. This was getting ridiculous; <em>Silver Fox</em> was being ridiculous, not Othello. He hopped after him and stood in front of his coworker.</p><p>"Othello, get out of my way."</p><p>"Okay. If you don't want to hear me, I can just borrow it to you."</p><p>"Why."</p><p>"What you mean, why? So you can read it yourself, of course."</p><p>"No."</p><p>Othello had to just stare dumbfolded as, again, he was left abandoned, only with a disdainful silver curtain of hair to look at as he walked away.</p><p>"What's wrong with you?!" Othello exploded. That actually worked in making Silver Fox stop and turn, though his expression had not improved in the slightest. Othello inhaled sharply and lifted the book. "How come you're not interested in reading about something like this?! Didn't you wonder, weren't you curious when you were alive? Couldn't it maybe have helped to read something this back then, if you had had the chance? How can you not-"</p><p>"What's wrong with <em>you,</em> throwing a tauntrum like a child in the middle of the corridor." Othello's posture immediately wavered, but Silver Fox wasn't done yet. "You're not without wit, Othello, but you raise serious question to that by this whole attention seeking behaviour. You can't force people to talk to you and pout when they refuse."</p><p>Othello swallowed down hard and the book on his hand dropped slowly against his hip. They were alone in the corridor; they had been for the entirety of the attempted-conversation (childish of an act or not, Othello hadn't waved the book around for everyone to see - he had come to Silver Fox), but it was still a blow to be called out by a coworker like that.</p><p>"Whatever doubts and questions I had in life only brought me my death and this punishment." The words were cold, disattached; bloody <em>grim.</em> "Dwelling on it has no point. It doesn't matter when I can't change what happened. I still killed myself, and I still ended up being forced to have this continuation afterwards."</p><p>Othello looked at Silver Fox. All he wanted was a bit of interaction, trying to find someone, if not likeminded, at least capable of having an elaborate conversation with. Well, one that was a little better than just a rebuke, like this one had turned out to be. Othello sighed.</p><p>"I should've known the epitome of a Grim Reaper such as yourself wouldn't really be willing to step the line." Silver Fox didn't have any reaction to that. "And by 'stepping the line', I mean read a bloody <em>book.</em> Books are meant to be read, otherwise they wouldn't be written in the first place. And if this was hidden because it has words of someone who will be born <em>centuries</em> after our own life time, well, that just <em>means</em> it's fascinating. We'd <em>never</em> get the chance to see this if we hadn't become this way. I'd think people here might appreciate the fact we get to do things we never could while we-"</p><p>"That's precisely why it is forbidden. We are not having a vacation before eventually finding redemption for our souls. If we were, no redemption would be possible."</p><p>"So I'm doing this Grim Reaper business wrong as well? As I did my life?"</p><p>"I don't care."</p><p>"Well, I do. I like learning things and I'm learning more every time. I was already pretty miserable before. We shouldn't be miserable all the time, like you."</p><p>He didn't seem fazed. God, could he <em>feel</em> anything?</p><p>"I suppose I am the epitome of a Grim Reaper then."</p><p>"Bloody boring, is what you are. You just lost any joy in life, haven't you? Your willingness to die got way off your hands, huh."</p><p>"Yes. It got me dead."</p><p>God, that could've been funny if anyone else had said it. That could've brought back to the issue at hand, the speech, and have a philosophical versus scientific conversation on life and death and some more. But with him, the words were just harsh and depressive and crushing. He resumed walking, and this time Othello didn't follow after.</p><p>He knew there was something there; Silver Fox was smart, he was intelligent, he'd be able to follow Othello's erratic and excited train of thought. He <em>knew</em> that. They would surely get along if only he loosen up from all that grimness and if only he was <em>fun.</em></p><p>What a shame.</p><p>.</p><p>the end</p><p>.</p>
<hr/><p>.</p><p>
  <em>"Because life really is not the avoidance of death. Death <strong>is</strong> the avoidance of death. The constant terror of death, the constant putting it off, the constant vigilance that one will not die—that is death! What we call life is, fundamentally, willingness to die."</em>
</p><p>~Alan Watts</p><p>.</p>
<hr/><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading, feedback and corrections to English are encouraged. Oh, and that book would've been locked away because it had contents from the late 1900's, and therefore they shouldn't really access it. Shinigamis have stuff from way beyond the canon time period, after all.</p><p>Now as for the links.</p><p>The most complete speech I could find around this 'Trust' title (15 minutes) can be found <a href="https://www.organism.earth/library/document/trust"> here</a> </p><p>A cropped version with the end can be found <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ST_cOG5biA&amp;feature=%20youtu.be"> here</a> </p><p>The song that first introduced me to this speech at all is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLfDyCeZ2dQ&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=2551"> here</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>